i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
