Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
