I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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