she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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