Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
