Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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