I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
