dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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