my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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