It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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