Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
