cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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