when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
