i don't like sucking hair
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
