You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
