we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
