She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize