You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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