bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
