Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
