every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize