Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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