Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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