please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
