I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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