ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
