we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
