when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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