im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
