okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
