Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
