dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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