I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
