I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
