i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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