Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just forgot I was standing up.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
