I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
