ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
