dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
