At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I touched a dick in church today
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
