His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
