he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
