It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
