Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
