Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
