Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
