Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
