You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
two words...techno handjob
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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