Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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