I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
