How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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