The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize