She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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