I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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