My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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