He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
